


Respite

by IllyriatheSmurf7



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV), Juliantina - Fandom
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-11-05 04:57:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17912420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllyriatheSmurf7/pseuds/IllyriatheSmurf7
Summary: She doesn’t know for how long she stares at the ceiling, body growing stiff and head pounding with an ache that intensifies with each passing second. Her eyes hurt, they beg for rest, but she can’t bring herself to close them yet. It would mean seeing Valentina’s face again, her blue eyes turned red and shiny with tears, it would mean remembering how her loving gaze had turned into the inability to hold Juliana’s stare for more than a few seconds.(Or Juliana said she is fine, but is she really?)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Sorry for the long wait. I’ve been quite unsatisfied with the way the show dealt with Juliana’s trauma after her kidnapping, so I wrote a little something about it. It takes place after their reunion at Valentina’s house.
> 
> Enjoy and let me know your thoughts!

Juliana stays in the shower until the water runs cold. Even then, she stands under the jet for long moments afterwards, letting the icy cold seep through her skin and settle into her bones. It’s a type of discomfort that she embraces completely, it helps her forget the terrifying heat of the flames so close to her skin. It also seems to pair well with the numbness she feels inside. That’s how her reunion with Valentina had left her. 

 

Numb. Hollow.

 

She turns off the water and steps out of the shower, wrapping herself in a towel and drying her body quickly, roughly, careless of the aches she feels everywhere. She is shaking, she realizes, and she tells herself it’s just a reaction to the cool air on her skin, but deep down she knows that the iciness she is feeling is rooted in something much more profound, something she cannot wipe away with the fabric of the towel.

 

_“I know we’re not a couple anymore, but what we have is really strong.”_

 

_“I don’t know anymore.”_

 

Juliana feels her eyes sting as Valentina’s words resonate in her head. Even if the older girl had eventually reached out for her, Juliana hadn’t been able to get the rejection out of her brain. It had something final about it that tasted bitter in her mouth, it made her heart feel like a vise was painfully squeezing around it over and over, leaving her breathless.

 

_“You’re overthinking, she just needs time,”_ Juliana had tried to tell herself, but it was much easier for her to believe that Valentina was done with her for good, and she didn’t have it in her to blame the older girl after everything she had been through because of her. Lucho had been the last straw, the one thing she couldn’t make up for. The way Valentina had brought up his death after Juliana had thanked her for saving her life held the type of terrifying implication that Juliana just wasn’t able to shake off. It had been hours since then and the more she thought about it, the more she believed Valentina would never be able to look at her without connecting her to Lucho’s death.

 

Juliana rubs angrily at her eye when she feels a tear make its way down her cheek. Her chest feels tight, and her stomach keeps turning with a queasy feeling that wouldn’t go away no matter how many infusions her mother had made her drink.

 

“Idiot,” she whispers to herself, shaking her head as if that’s going to help with the piercing thoughts that keep running through her mind. She throws the towel away with her body still damp and slips into a tank top and sweat pants, wincing with the way the fabric slides over her bruised skin. Then, she flops on the bed with a heavy sigh.

 

She doesn’t know for how long she stares at the ceiling, body growing stiff and head pounding with an ache that intensifies with each passing second. Her eyes hurt, they beg for rest, but she can’t bring herself to close them yet. It would mean seeing Valentina’s face again, her blue eyes turned red and shiny with tears, it would mean remembering how her loving gaze had turned into the inability to hold Juliana’s stare for more than a few seconds.

 

“Baby?” Lupita’s voice shakes Juliana out of her thoughts. She keeps her eyes on the ceiling, though, seemingly unable to do even the simplest action. “Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

 

Juliana shakes her head, her stomach clenching at the mere thought of consuming food right now.

 

“No mom, I’m okay.”

 

“Juli, you haven't eaten anything…”

 

Lupita’s concerned voice makes Juliana’s face twist a little, feeling suddenly guilty at the thought of making her mother worry with her behavior and stubbornness. Any other day, she would have given in and complied, but today she just can’t. All her energies have been sucked dry from trying not to fall apart in front of Valentina.

 

“I’m tired, I’m going to try to sleep,” she says instead, well aware that the sun of the late afternoon was still shining through the window glass. Lupita doesn’t press after that, like Juliana knew she wouldn’t, and when she hears the bedroom door click shut, she lets out a deep, trembling breath. 

 

She doesn’t want to sleep. But she doesn’t want to do anything else either. Most of all, she doesn’t want to think. Every time she latches on to any of the thoughts that swirl in her mind, her eyes start burning with unshed tears all over again. Not existing in the numb state of unconsciousness feels like a much better alternative to all the ugly, contrasting feelings that only seem to have in common the power to make her hurt.

 

She curls on one side, arms hugged tight to her chest, and she closes her eyes. She forces herself to focus on small, banal details. The steady thumping of her heart, the rhythmic swelling and deflating of her lungs with each deep breath. She thought it would take longer, thought she would twist and turn around for hours, but she had underestimated the intensity of her exhaustion, because soon enough she is drifting off without being able to stop it. She vaguely remembers searching in her mind for a happy memory to cling to, but everything is swallowed by darkness before any blurry image can take shape in her mind, and before she realizes it, she falls into unconsciousness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Everything hurts._

 

_A constant, terrifying pain that promises to become infinitely worse with what they threatened to do. She tries to curl in on herself, pressing her tied hands on her legs and tucking her chin into her chest, making herself as small as possible in the hope that it will protect her somehow. The illusion is shattered quickly, though, when Alacrán fists his hand into her hair and gives a harsh tug, forcing her to look up. The grin on his face is blurred by the tears that keep falling from her eyes, but she sees it clearly, the enjoyment he is taking in hurting her._

 

_She doesn’t have the time to dwell on it, because suddenly, he hits her with the back of his hand. Her head whips to the side with the violence of the blow. It leaves her dizzy, unable to breathe, but before she can even begin to recover, he pulls her head back in place and hits her again. And again, until the ring on his finger splits her lip open and she tastes blood in her mouth. A scream tears its way out of her throat then, her body caves in as she cries and begs uncontrollably. It all reaches deaf ears._

 

_There is no relief when he pulls back, it only makes her more aware of her situation, how they don’t even have to touch her to keep her trapped, to hurt her. The pungent smell of gasoline is enough of a reminder, horrifying in the way it burns her nose and makes her skin sticky. She can see a man holding a torch with the corner of her eye, feels the heat of fire rise and fall with every little movement he makes, and panic seizes her lungs and prevents her from breathing normally when she imagines the flames engulfing her body, the agonizing death that she can’t prevent in any way because she doesn’t have the information they want._

 

_Then Alacrán gives her one way, and her stomach lurches with a violent wave of nausea. She hears the hunger in his voice, can feel his leering stare all over her even if she isn’t looking at him. She wants to throw up when he calls her ‘fresh meat’, like she is nothing more than a body to use and ruin. Whatever instinct of self-preservation she still had, it shuts down when she feels his hot breath on her cheek. Fire seems a better alternative._

 

_“Cover your ears, this one’s gonna scream worse than a pig.”_

 

_Her face twists in pure horror as the consequences for her choice become painfully real. She shakes her head and sobs violently, a broken string of ‘no’s tumbling from her lips as they move the torch close to the gasoline._

 

_Her brain tells her that something isn’t right, that something else should happen, something unexpected that will stop this at the very last second._

 

_But nothing happens._

 

_She cries and begs but she only receives merciless laughs in return. Then the torch touches the floor and ignites the pool of gasoline. In less than a second, she is surrounded by flames, licking at her body and scorching the air around her. She is so paralyzed by terror that she doesn’t even feel pain yet. The heat rises and rises until she can’t breathe and her chest tightens with a feeling so awful that panic kicks in and unlocks her body._

 

_When that happens, her mouth opens beyond her control and exactly like Alacrán said she would, her throat rips open with a blood-curling scream._

 

“Juliana!”

 

Juliana’s eyes snap open and she shoots up from the bed with a gasp, desperately trying to suck oxygen into her lungs. Her mouth and throat burn with each breath, like she is still swallowing the flames and burning from the inside. She blinks repeatedly, eyes darting wildly around the room as she tries to take in her surroundings. Nothing seems to get into focus, her head is spinning too fast and her skin feels too hot to be sure she isn’t actually on fire.

 

She violently jerks back when a hand squeezes at her shoulder, her body still on edge and registering everything as a threat, even when her eyes finally focus and she recognizes the familiar face in front of her.

 

“Mom?” she whispers after several seconds, with a voice so tiny and broken she doesn’t recognize it as her own. She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, to make sure she isn’t still dreaming, but when she opens them again Lupita is still there, looking at her with her face twisted by concern and tears in her eyes.

 

“Yes baby, it’s me,” Lupita nods, moving her hands to Juliana’s face and tracing her features over and over. “Are you okay, Juli?” When Juliana doesn’t answer, Lupita leans in and starts pressing kisses over her cheek, oblivious to the way it makes Juliana’s body tremble even more.

 

“I… I was–”

 

“You were screaming so loud. I tried but I couldn’t wake you, it was so–” Lupita’s voice is broken by a sob she can’t hold back. She pushes Juliana’s hair out of the way to look at her face. “What were you dreaming about?”

 

The sudden question brings all the horrors of Juliana’s nightmare to the surface, attacking her with images and feelings her body is too vulnerable to bear. She feels lightheaded all at once and her stomach suddenly twists painfully. Knowing what’s about to happen, she pushes her mother away and runs to the bathroom inside the bedroom. Lupita moves after her but she is one second too late and Juliana shuts the door in her face, locking herself inside. 

 

She barely has time to turn to the toilet, then nausea hits her and she doubles over, retching violently and emptying her stomach of nothing but liquids. Each wave is more violent than the one before, and by the time her stomach unclenches and calms down, she is an exhausted, panting mess.

 

“Juliana!” Through the ringing in her ears, Juliana suddenly becomes aware of the loud pounding on the door and of her mother’s voice, desperate and filled with worry. “Juliana baby, let me in.”

 

“Go.. go away, mom,” Juliana says, fighting against the need to gag again. Her mother keeps begging her to open the door but Juliana ignores her, too weak for anything except breathing.

 

“Juli, please…”

 

“I’m fine, mom,” she forces herself to say eventually, choking the words out through snivels and sobs. “I’m fine, just go.” That’s all she can concede. Tears fill her eyes and immediately start running down her cheeks, blurring her vision and making the pounding in her head only worse. A pained groan comes out of her mouth and she spits in the toilet, desperate to get rid of the disgusting taste that only makes her feel sicker.

 

She can’t bring herself to move for several minutes, unable to react even to the sudden disappearance of her mother’s voice outside of the room. She remains on the floor, forehead pressed against the cold porcelain of the toilet and body racked by soft tremors as she tries and fails to recover. If the need to throw up eventually goes away, the plaguing memories stay there, keeping her locked in a mental prison that feels too real in how it affects her body to be just a figment of her imagination. Her nerve endings tingle and itch uncomfortably with the echo of rough, threatening hands all over her skin. It makes her want to crawl out of her body and melt away, just to make it stop for one second.

 

Once she eventually pulls herself together and tries to get up, her weak legs almost give out underneath her, shaking and boneless and unstable. She leans against the wall and waits for her useless limbs to work again. She can feel a sob crawl up at the back of her throat but she forcefully chokes it down, closing her eyes and pressing her temple against the cool surface of the wall. She is used to being in danger, to being scared or in pain, it has been a constant her whole life, but this complete lack of control over herself is a different kind of terrifying, something she doesn’t know how to deal with. No matter how many times she tells herself that she is okay, her mind and body seem hellbent on reminding her just how much she isn’t, making sure she knows how vulnerable she is, how breakable.

 

Biting at the inside of her cheek until the painful sting clears her mind of the dizziness, Juliana pushes herself off the wall and tentatively walks up to the sink. She freezes when she catches sight of her reflection in the mirror. She takes in the paleness of her face, the layer of sweat that covers her skin and makes her look sickly and lifeless, her bloodshot eyes, still shining with the tears that have dried up on her cheeks. It’s an unbearable sight and she has to look away, lowering her eyes and staring blankly ahead.

 

Her hands move mechanically. Juliana turns the mixer tap all the way to cold and splashes the freezing water on her face. The effect isn’t as immediate as she had hoped, but after repeating the action a few more times, she starts feeling more and more focused, like each icy splash is slowly working her body towards a more human, lively condition. She doesn’t bother drying her face, water makes its way from her jaw down to her neck, spreading a soothing freshness over her skin. 

 

She instinctively licks her bottom lip, tasting the few cool drops resting over her chapped skin. It’s a simple action, but it makes her realize just how awful the taste in her mouth is, bitter and lingering and unbearable. Her hand reaches rapidly for her toothbrush, desperate to get rid of the taste before feeling sick again. She doesn’t remember ever spending so much time brushing her teeth. She does it over and over until her gums start hurting. Then she washes her face one last time and finally, after what felt like an eternity spent hiding in the bathroom, she unlocks the door and gets out.

 

The first thing Juliana notices is the darkness of the room. The orange light of the sunset has been replaced by the cold, silver rays of moonlight through the curtains. She is surprised when she spots the alarm clock on the bedside table and realizes it’s not even midnight yet. After falling asleep, she had completely lost sense of time, and her nightmare and subsequent reaction of shock had left her entirely disoriented about the passage of minutes and hours. If someone had asked her, she would’ve sworn she had spent the entire night crouched on the bathroom floor.

 

She walks up to the bed and climbs on it with a deep sigh, feeling her body on the verge of caving in with all the exhaustion and sadness that seems to flow through her veins, heavy and consuming. She doesn’t try to fall back asleep. The mere thought of closing her eyes and seeing those horrifying images again is enough to make her wish to never sleep again. It is painful, though. Her body begs for rest, but her mind is too terrified to give in, trapping her in a painful limbo that brings tears of frustration to her eyes.

 

Her head falls back against the headboard of the bed and one tear escapes from behind her squeezed eyelids. She is so tired. Tired of crying, tired of being scared, tired of the constant pressure in her chest because she is always trying not to fall to pieces. She imagines how it would feel like, breaking down without restraints. It is as tempting as it is terrifying. Falling apart so violently on her own seems impossible, she doesn’t know how she’d be able to put the pieces back together without someone’s help, and she has no one for that.

 

A gentle knock on the door makes Juliana’s eyes snap open, taking her out of her thoughts and bringing her back to reality.

 

“Go away, mom. I’m fine,” she says, rubbing the back of her hand against her eyes. She lets out an annoyed sigh when she hears the door creak open despite her request.

 

“Mom, I said I’m fine, just–” The words die in Juliana’s mouth when she looks up and sees the tall, slim silhouette standing at the entrance of the room. Blinking rapidly, she turns on the lamp on the bedside table. The room lights up with a dim, orange light, and Juliana’s disbelief about the identity of the person dissolves when her gaze meets a pair of blue, familiar eyes.

 

“Val…” Juliana whispers, unable to hide the surprise in her voice. She scrambles to sit up when Valentina walks in and closes the door behind her. “What… what are you doing here? Why–?”

 

“Your mother called me,” Valentina says. The reveal makes Juliana’s eyes fall closed. Her face twists in a frown and she is unable to hold back a frustrated sigh. Having Valentina even more exposed to her problems is the last thing she wanted. 

 

When she opens her eyes again, Valentina is standing next to the bed. Juliana can’t help but take in her appearance. She looks disheveled, wearing a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, like she was about to go to bed and something–someone–stopped her. Her searching eyes look just as tired as Juliana’s, veiled with a deep concern that makes Juliana feel embarrassed and guilty about the situation her mother dragged Valentina into.

 

“She said you had a nightmare, that you felt sick,” Valentina goes on to explain. “She sounded so worried. I got scared, so–”

 

“She shouldn’t have called you,” Juliana cuts her off, shaking her head. She instinctively squirms when Valentina sits on the bed, close to her legs. “Really Val, I’m sorry. She shouldn’t have done that, I just had a bad dream and…” she pauses, unable to finish with the way Valentina’s eyes are bearing into her. 

 

“I’m fine,” she says with a sigh. “And I’m sorry. She shouldn’t have– it’s not your responsibility to–” She bites at her lip, frustrated with the way she cannot seem to express what she is feeling. There is a silent tension between them, something she isn’t used to and that she hates. It makes everything much more difficult, and Valentina’s proximity aches rather than soothes. It reminds her of what she used to have that isn’t hers anymore.

 

“Juls…”

 

“I’m gonna talk to her,” Juliana says. “She doesn’t know that we’re not… I’m sorry she dragged you into this. I’m gonna make sure it doesn’t happen again and–”

 

“Juls.”

 

The firmness of Valentina’s voice interrupts Juliana’s nervous rambling. She hesitantly meets Valentina’s gaze and the tenderness she finds there is so intense that Juliana feels on the edge of shattering into a million pieces.

 

“It’s not a problem, really. I was just surprised. The fact she called me got me worried about you, and I just wanted to make sure…”

 

Valentina’s reassuring voice drifts into an unexpected, heavy silence. Juliana is confused by it initially, she doesn’t understand the reason for the sudden rigidity of Valentina’s features, for the shadow that darkens her eyes. It’s only when she follows Valentina’s gaze and realizes that she is staring at the bruises on her arms that Juliana understands Valentina’s drastic change, and her stomach twists with a feeling of self-consciousness and shame that she can’t explain but that overwhelms her nevertheless.

 

“Juliana…” Valentina chokes out, unable to look away from the finger-shaped bruises all around Juliana’s biceps. Juliana’s eyes dart over the bed, looking for something to cover herself with but there is nothing. Her jackets are in the closet or too far away on the other side of the room, and her tank top is too small to stretch the fabric enough to hide her marks. Not knowing what else to do, she brings her hands up, covering the bruises as much as she can, but it’s too late.

 

“You told me you were fine.”

 

“I am,” Juliana blurts out, far too fast to sound even remotely convincing, and the way Valentina’s eyes shoot up and only fill with more concern when they meet Juliana’s tells the younger girl that she just made things worse.

 

“I’m fine,” she repeats, softer, but Valentina ignores her. She moves her gaze back to Juliana’s arm, staring silently for a moment before bringing her hand up. Juliana wasn’t expecting the hesitant press of Valentina’s fingers over the back of her hand, it makes her instinctively tighten her hold on her skin, unable to deal with Valentina’s tenderness after having days and days of roughness. She is shaking lightly when she eventually loosens her hold and drops her hands into her lap, exposing herself to Valentina’s eyes.

 

Juliana’s eyes fall closed when she feels Valentina trail her fingers over her bruised skin, impossibly delicate like she is scared that anything more than this soft brush is going to hurt Juliana even more. Juliana hears the older girl suck in a breath and release it in stutters through gritted teeth, and once she opens her eyes again, Juliana’s gaze hesitates over her hands in her lap, needing a moment to build the courage to look at Valentina. She could have waited an hour. Ten hours. It makes no difference, Juliana realizes when she looks up and she sees the pain in Valentina’s eyes. That sight was always going to hurt.

 

“You told me…” Valentina says again, like she can’t wrap her brain around the fact Juliana didn’t come out of the kidnapping as unscathed as she thought.

 

“Val look, it’s nothing,” Juliana tries, feeling that instinctive need to comfort Valentina that rises whenever the older girl is sad or suffering. “I’m here, I’m alive. They didn’t kill me.”

 

Valentina’s eyes shoot up to meet Juliana’s, wide and horrified in a way Juliana wasn’t expecting to trigger with her words.

 

“They didn’t kill you, but they hurt you.” At that, Juliana opens her mouth. She quickly tries to form words, to come up with an answer that will reassure Valentina, a lie that both can believe. Nothing comes out, though. Maybe it’s the exhaustion that leaves her feeling so fragile, maybe its the way Valentina’s eyes are glistening with a veil of tears, but Juliana can’t bring herself to lie. She purses her lips instead, silently confirming Valentina’s words.

 

Valentina lets out a wet, trembling breath, and her eyes roam over Juliana’s body, looking for other signs of abuse over Juliana’s exposed skin, tormenting herself with questions about what marks and horrors are hiding under her clothes.

 

“What did they do to you?” she whispers, barely any sound to her voice. When Juliana doesn’t answer, eyes distant and mouth twitching nervously, Valentina moves a hand up and gently cups Juliana’s face, feeling the younger girl shudder under the soft caress of her thumb.

 

“Juls…” The way Valentina says her name, so soft and filled with care, makes something crack inside Juliana and she feels her eyes fill with tears again. She frowns and looks to the side, trying everything she can to not let them fall down her cheeks. She knows that if she starts crying, she won’t be able to stop.

 

“They, uh,” Juliana starts, voice raspy and quiet. “They wanted to know about El Chino, wanted me to tell them where he was hiding.”

 

“But… you didn’t know that.”

 

Juliana shakes her head, biting the inside of her cheek as the memories threaten to come back, and with them all the ugly feelings that she’s been trying and failing to suppress since she was rescued.

 

“Alacrán thought I was lying. Or I don’t know, he just liked seeing me in pain, so…” she can’t bring herself to finish, already angry at herself for revealing more than she would have liked. She shrugs instead, passing a hand over her face in a way that makes Valentina pull hers back. Her eyes remain fixed on Juliana though, searching and terrified.

 

“So?” she asks, with a trembling voice. When Juliana doesn’t say anything, Valentina’s face twists with the horrible realization, and countless scenarios start taking shape in her mind, one worse than the other.

 

“They tortured you.” It’s not a question, so Juliana doesn’t answer. But her silence is an answer all on its own, heavy and deafening. It threatens to break them both, in very different ways.

 

“They didn’t… it was threats, mostly. They just roughed me up a little.” Juliana tries to downplay it, but even speaking about it like this, in this watered down version that resembles nothing of the horror she remembers and still feels on her skin, is entirely too overwhelming. She isn’t equipped to deal with the turmoil of emotions that threaten to burst through the longer they talk about this, and she doesn’t know what would be easier, whether to shut down and pretend that she is fine yet again, or to reveal the reality of what happened and of what she is feeling. Both options seem terrifying.

 

A sniveling sound reaches her ears all of a sudden and it makes Juliana look up. Her chest tightens painfully when she sees the single tear that has fallen down Valentina’s cheek and the trembling of her bottom lip as she tries to form words. It’s a devastating sight, it reminds Juliana why she had kept quiet about her own pain when they had reunited, and in that moment she wishes she could take everything back, that she was a better liar and could send Valentina away with the belief that she is completely fine. It’s far too late for all that, and a small voice inside her wonders if this is for the best, if maybe they are supposed to fall apart and put their pieces back together. Juliana doesn’t know anymore if that’s true for the older girl, but she knows that Valentina is the only one who can do that for her.

 

She doesn’t flinch when Valentina reaches out and takes her hand, shaking fingers intertwining together like they are both trying to draw comfort from the gentle touch. Juliana holds Valentina’s gaze and she tries to remember if she’s ever seen her this terrified. She realizes the reason for that look only when Valentina finds the strength to speak, when she hears the silent question behind her hesitant words.

 

“Were you… did they–”

 

“No,” Juliana quickly says. “No, they didn’t.” She doesn’t bother pointing out just how close she had gotten to what Valentina is asking, or how that had been a constant fear that had gnawed at her insides every second until she had finally been rescued. She doesn’t know how to say it without making Valentina worry even more, or how to explain without bursting into tears that she still feels the press of Alacrán’s body against her back.

 

“No, it never went that far,” Juliana says again. “They didn’t do that, they just… I’m fine.” Valentina lets out a choked sob and more tears fall from her eyes when she blinks slowly. If Juliana’s words reassured her in part, they also raised infinite questions that her imagination is too happy to find horrifying answers for.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Valentina asks with a small, broken voice. It’s the type of question Juliana doesn’t know how to deal with, so intricate in its simplicity that it would demand countless different answers, all clashing with each other and all hanging at the edge of Juliana’s lips, ready to tumble over and causing pain one way or another.

 

“I didn’t know what to say,” she whispers, frowning to hold back the tears. “Or when to say it. How could I talk about me when you were so devastated about Lucho, I just…”

 

The moment the words are out of her mouth, Juliana wishes she could take them back. She squeezes her eyes shut but she still feels Valentina’s stare pierce through her. Even behind closed lids, she sees the way her blue eyes went wide with shock at the name of her dead ex-boyfriend. She wants to slap herself for her lack of self-restraint.

 

“I’m sorry,” Juliana whispers, clearing her throat to choke back a sob, “I’m sorry, that’s a horrible thing to say.” She forces herself to open her eyes and look at Valentina. It’s a tiny action but she is terrified the whole way through it, not knowing what she is going to find in Valentina’s eyes, if anger, pain, or worst of all, blame. She is surprised when none of that happens. She is especially surprised to realize Valentina isn’t even looking at her. Her eyes have moved back to Juliana’s arm, taking in every inch of bruised skin without blinking. Juliana didn’t expect it when Valentina touches her again, gently wrapping her hand around Juliana’s bicep and rubbing her thumb over the angry marks.

 

“No,” Valentina says, letting out a shaky breath. Her face twists in what looks very much like anger to Juliana, and she wonders if she is about to be on the receiving end on an outburst that will confirm just how irreversibly far apart they have drifted. But Valentina surprises her yet again when she eventually meets her gaze and Juliana hears her words. “I’m sorry.”

 

Juliana’s eyes go wide with disbelief. For a moment she wonders if she actually dreamed it, but Valentina says it again right after, with an even more convinced tone than during her first attempt. Her expression is softer now, but her glistening eyes still hold the intensity of that anger Juliana had noticed. It’s only now that she realizes that it’s not directed at her but, as absurd as it seems to Juliana, to Valentina herself.

 

“I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I didn’t even think—” A hiccup cuts her off midway through her sentence, and she brings a hand to her face, shaking her head while her shoulders tremble with every sniffling sound she lets out.

 

“Val…” Juliana whispers, devastated at seeing her like this. Instinctively, she reaches out and touches the hand Valentina is hiding her face behind. At the first brush of Juliana’s fingertips, Valentina looks at Juliana and grabs her hand, holding it like she is scared the younger girl is going to disappear right in front of her eyes. She presses their entwined hands against her chest, so flush that Juliana can feel each thumping of her heart and every small tremor that racks her body.

 

“I’m sorry,” Valentina says again, so earnestly that Juliana feels her throat clog with the growing need to release the tears she’s been holding back all night.

 

“You don’t have to apologize. I’m alive because of you.” Something about what Juliana says tastes more of sorrow than of reassurance. Maybe it’s everything that goes unspoken behind her words, the knowledge of how close she got to a different outcome, the shared awareness that even if Juliana is alive, there is still so much to mend and heal, so much pain they both need to overcome.

 

“I’m going to be okay,” Juliana says, trying to be comforting. It’s a natural instinct for her by now, but this time Valentina shakes her head.

 

“You don’t have to be strong all the time, Juliana.”

 

The words leave Juliana with the odd need to cry and laugh at the same time. She wants to tell Valentina that it’s not a choice for her, that being strong is the only thing she has known her whole life, the only thing that has kept her alive. She doesn’t know how to tell her that she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable without falling apart in a way that is as unfamiliar as it is terrifying. A tiny, incoherent sound comes out of Juliana’s throat instead of a spoken answer. She doesn’t trust her voice not to come out trembling and broken, and despite Valentina’s reminder, she still can’t help but cling to her instinct to put up a facade of strength. It’s harder than it has ever been, though, and Valentina sees through her.

 

“You don’t have to pretend with me. Not anymore.”

 

Juliana forces herself to nod but she finds herself having to look up and away from Valentina, blinking quickly when tears start blurring her vision. Despite her attempts, one manages to escape from the corner of her eye and rolls down her cheek. She knows she is on the verge of crossing the limits of her self-control and careening into the unknown when Valentina moves her hand back to her face and catches the tear with her thumb.

 

“Your mother said you had a nightmare.” Juliana goes rigid and her face twists, but she doesn’t pull away. She stays perfectly still and focuses only on the gentle caress of Valentina’s thumb over her skin, aware that it’s exactly that tenderness that is pushing her closer and closer to her breaking point, but terrified to let herself feel anything else. But then Valentina leans closer, voice dropping to a whisper, and with her caring concern she strips Juliana of her remaining defenses.

 

“What did you dream?”

 

The question brings it all back. The pain, the fear, the agonizing certainty that she would die alone and would never see Valentina again. She doesn’t feel sick like before. Her reaction is much more primal, something well beyond a simple physical response to stress. It’s stronger and uncontainable and Juliana’s walls crumble down and leave her bare. Something snaps inside her soul and she feels everything she had tried to suppress come to the surface.

 

“Juls…”

 

The sob that she had tried so hard to choke back comes out of Juliana’s throat, and then another. And another, over and over in a broken litany that she cannot stop, and before she knows it, tears are streaming freely down her face and she is crying, harder than she has ever done before. It’s like a dam broke inside her and all the anguish that she had forced herself to ignore is washing over her at once.

 

Her body curls forward, weak and trembling and this is exactly what she was terrified of, this complete lack of control as she falls apart in a way that feels definitive, a way she doesn’t know how to come back from because she was never taught how to be fragile without encountering self-destruction.

 

But she doesn’t have to learn how to do that on her own just yet, because Valentina catches her. She wraps her arms around Juliana’s body and holds her close to her, rubbing her palms up and down Juliana’s back as the younger girl clings to her like she is the only anchor that’s keeping her afloat and and safe. Juliana buries her face into Valentina’s neck and cries harder, unable to stop now that the tears have started running. She cries and cries as her body is racked by violent tremors that she knows won’t stop until she has let everything out. She _wants_ to let everything out. It’s an addictive, liberating feeling now that she can do it in the safety of Valentina’s arms.

 

And Valentina makes sure Juliana knows she is safe. Her arms are tight around Juliana but her hands remain gentle over her back and on her cheeks, her voice is calm and soothing, and her body is warm and steady in a way that grounds Juliana and makes her feel for the first time in her life that she can fall apart so completely and still be safe.

 

Juliana cries for what feels like an eternity, until her body goes slump with exhaustion against Valentina’s and she can do nothing but breathe quietly against her neck. Her mouth lingers over the skin there, wet and salty with her tears, and she feels Valentina shudder at the contact and tighten her arms around her. There is nothing sexual about the press of her lips there, it spreads in both the warmth and comfort of newfound intimacy, something their lives are too complicated to label but thatremains present and constant and unshakeable despite everything they went through.

 

They don’t talk when their bodies finally disentangle. Their foreheads stay pressed together for a moment in that way that has become a synonym of comfort to them, and Juliana feels Valentina’s hands on her face, rubbing away the few tears that still remain on her cheeks. She goes willingly when Valentina encourages her to lie down with the gentle press of her palm against her shoulder and immediately follows suit, settling next to Juliana and wrapping her arms around her again. Juliana curls into her, pressing her head over Valentina’s chest and letting the steady beating of her heart soothe her while Valentina threads her fingers through her hair.

 

Juliana doesn’t remember falling asleep. She realizes it happened because she wakes up hours later from another nightmare, frantic and confused and scared. But this time she isn’t alone. Valentina holds her and brings her back to safety and takes care of her in such a complete, generous way that for once in her life, Juliana feels she deserves to be loved like this.

 

When she falls asleep again, she isn’t scared.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I’m very sorry for the wait, life has been way messier and busier than I thought it would be. This was supposed to be a quick continuation of the one-shot but it ended up becoming a monster of a chapter. I really hope it was worth the wait. Let me know your thoughts!

Juliana wakes up to stiff limbs and an ache in the back of her left hand that she can’t explain. There is a pounding behind her eyes that speaks of all the exhaustion and need for rest that still rack her body and makes her feel like a clunky puzzle of bones and muscles rather than a functioning human being. That consuming tiredness that seems to have taken up residence inside her seems to have only been enhanced by the few hours of uneven sleep she has managed to get thanks to Valentina.

 

_Valentina._

 

It’s only in that moment that Juliana becomes aware of the emptiness of the bed beside her. She blinks the sleep out of her eyes and sits up, resting a hand on the pillow next to her. Relief and confusion wash over her equally strong when she feels the warmth of the fabric under her palm. Her eyes immediately glance towards the bathroom, but the door is open and the small room is dark, empty. The bedroom itself is dark too, just the faintest glimmer of rising sunlight seeping through the curtains. The confusion turns into a knot at the bottom of her stomach when the thought that Valentina might have just gotten up and left with the crack of dawn starts taking shape into her brain. 

 

It’s a thought that doesn’t have the time to grow deeper and upset her, though, because right when she is about to get out of bed and go check, the door opens and Valentina quietly walks in. Their eyes lock immediately and Juliana sees the surprise in them, how it freezes Valentina for a moment before she quietly closes the door behind her, clearly not expecting to find Juliana awake.

 

“Hey,” Valentina says softly.

 

“Hey.”

 

Juliana’s lips curl into the tiniest of smiles, unable to hide the relief at seeing that Valentina is still there. After everything that happened, she feels particularly vulnerable to loneliness, like tasting the smallest amount of comfort left her only more fragile than she thought she could ever be.

 

“What time is it?” she asks when the silence stretches between them for several seconds.

 

“Uh, just past six. Everyone is still sleeping, I think.”

 

Valentina passes a hand over her face, rubbing lazily at her eyes. When she goes back to looking at Juliana, the younger girl immediately notices just how red they are. It makes the blue of her irises stand out even more, and Juliana can’t help the pang of guilt that hits her at the thought of being the reason for that tiredness.

 

She drops her gaze, unable to bear the sight, and that’s when she notices the mug in Valentina’s hands. Her eyes must have remained fixed on it for longer than she realized, because Valentina suddenly looks at it too, acknowledging Juliana’s silent curiosity.

 

“Oh,” she taps her finger against the ceramic. “Tea. I couldn’t sleep so I figured it would help with the tiredness at least. Do you want me to make some for you?”

 

Juliana shakes her head and finds herself instinctively staring down when Valentina walks up to her and flops back on the bed, crossing her legs and resting her back against the head frame. The knot in Juliana’s stomach only twists tighter with the heavy sigh that comes out of Valentina’s mouth.

 

“Did I wake you often?” she mumbles, glancing at the older girl once while busying her hands with the fabric of the sheet, twisting it nervously in her fingers. Valentina rests the mug on the bedside table and shrugs, keeping her voice soft but unable to mask her concern.

 

“You kept tossing around. I think you were having a nightmare.”

 

Juliana frowns at that, trying to remember what Valentina is talking about. She remembers her dreams, they stick to her like a layer of dirt she can’t wash off, but everything else is in the dark. No choking panic after opening her eyes, no dizziness while trying to take hold of reality, no soothing hands on her body.

 

“I don’t remember waking up,” she admits finally. Valentina’s answer, when it comes, is not at all what she was expecting.

 

“Because you didn’t. Not from the last one.” Valentina grows quiet for a moment, letting seconds hang in a way that spreads an uneasy feeling over Juliana. The way Valentina drops her gaze before continuing only worsens the feeling. 

 

“I tried to pull you out of it but it must have been really bad. Your reaction was pretty, uh… violent.”

 

Juliana searches Valentina’s face for a better explanation but Valentina remains quiet. She tries to think about the meaning of her words, wants to ask what Valentina means with “violent”, but the answer arrives before she can even formulate the question. Silent and unmistakable and horrible. Juliana doesn’t have to ask anymore, her eyes are fixed on the red mark on Valentina’s cheekbone, the only explanation she needs. She suddenly remembers the confusing throbbing in her knuckles when she had woken up and she finds herself wishing it had remained exactly that, a confusing, unexplained pain. It would be better than the truth.

 

“Did I hit you?” she whispers.

 

“You were flailing around, I got too close.”

 

Valentina goes on to say she is okay, but Juliana has stopped listening. She stares down at her hands, tightening her fingers into a fist and clenching until she feels her nails dig into her palm. She doesn’t want to cry, but that stinging feeling she has grown to hate creeps back behind her eyes. Knowing it was an accident doesn’t help. Her thoughts derail in a way she was not expecting, a way she doesn’t know how to stop, and she suddenly finds herself remembering every instance of violence she was exposed to in her family, how explosions of aggressiveness and rage were such an ordinary presence throughout her life. The possibility that that same violence might reside within herself is more terrifying than all her nightmares combined.

 

“Juls.” Valentina’s voice reaches Juliana’s ears. “It was an accident.”

 

Juliana doesn’t look at her. She clenches her jaw and keeps her eyes trailed on her hands. Her voice is tainted with bitterness when she finally finds the strength to speak. With guilt.

 

“Looks like hurting you is all I’m good at.”

 

She can’t help but flinch lightly when Valentina unexpectedly cups her cheek with her palm. It’s a gentle touch, but insistent enough that Juliana slowly lifts her head and finally meets Valentina’s gaze. Her blue eyes are just as gentle as her hand.

 

“I’m okay, Juls. You didn’t want to hurt me.”

 

There is so much Juliana wants to say, so many replies that die at the back of her throat, turning into a lump she struggles to choke back. She has seen Valentina’s eyes veiled with tears far too many times to absolve herself of blame even in the slightest; she doesn’t care that she didn’t mean it, her brain and heart are stuck and unable to move beyond the fact that she caused Valentina pain. Again. She suddenly remembers the pain and betrayal on Valentina’s face when she had told her about Sergio; she experienced torture and almost death, and it all hurt less than that single moment.

 

Juliana wants to say it all. She wants to tell Valentina how guilty she feels; she wants to ask for forgiveness, she wants to ask for comfort; she wants to tell Valentina that she needs her now more than ever.

 

“Is there something you want to say, Juls?”

 

Juliana manages to hold Valentina’s stare for only a moment. Then, she drops her gaze and shakes her head. She feels the burning need to cry again when Valentina sighs quietly and her hand leaves Juliana’s face. The need to feel that warmth on her again hits her immediately, but she remains quiet. She doesn’t dare ask for a soothing touch after inflicting a violent one on Valentina.

 

“I’m worried about you,” Valentina suddenly murmurs. “I thought being here might help but—”

 

“It does.” Juliana quickly looks up and meets Valentina’s gaze. “It really does, Val. I can’t begin to thank you for coming here.”

 

Valentina’s lips curl up in the ghost of a smile, but her eyes remain sad, worried. Juliana knows Valentina can read through her better than anyone else; after the way she fell apart in her arms the night before, she now feels only more vulnerable before her. It makes Juliana angry at herself, realizing that Valentina can tell she is still far from okay. With all the frustration she feels about not being able to pull herself out of this state, what gets to her the most is the possibility that Valentina might feel her efforts were worthless. It’s the last thing she wants after what the older girl did for her.

 

“I…” Juliana bites the inside of her cheek and chokes back tears. “I understand if you want to leave. After the night I put you through and everything before that, I just—” 

 

She squeezes her eyes shut, instinctively stalling, but fighting against her own desires and needs, she forces herself to say what she thinks she should say, the opposite of everything she wants. 

 

“I’d understand if you didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.”

 

The room grows awfully quiet when Juliana stops talking, the type of silence that lays heavy on skin and pierces eardrums with its thick, invisible presence. Valentina’s stare only cuts deeper through Juliana. The older girl doesn’t say a single word, she just looks at Juliana with an intensity that threatens to make her squirm, something Juliana knows she won’t be able to sustain for longer than a few seconds. Surprisingly, it’s Valentina who looks away first, moving her eyes to stare blankly at the wall. It brings no relief to Juliana. She only feels this barrier between them grow and pull them apart, threatening to make her feel even lonelier than she already feels, lonelier than she’d be able to bear.

 

“What are you thinking about?” she asks timidly when long moments go by in silence. Valentina remains quiet for several seconds after the question. Then, she blinks and lets out a deep sigh. Juliana is surprised to realize it is tinged with the hint of a laugh. 

 

“I’m thinking I want to open your head and see what’s really in there. Everything you don’t know how to tell me.” Juliana is even more surprised when Valentina turns around and places her hand on her cheek again, trailing her fingers over her skin even more softly than before. “I’m thinking about how silly you are for believing I could ever want to be away from you. Especially now.”

 

Where Valentina’s ability to read her was scaring her before, it now hits Juliana like a soothing wave, daring her to lose control and abandon herself to the feeling, something Juliana doesn’t know if she deserves but that she needs more than everything. Juliana knows a tear has escaped from the corner of her eye only because Valentina catches it with the tip of her finger.

 

All Valentina has to do is look at her and touch her for Juliana to feel that barrier crack and shatter, and despite the tear, she feels her lips twitch with the smallest of smiles.

 

“You can send very mixed signals, you know?”

 

Valentina laughs quietly, knowing Juliana is referring to her request for space.

 

“That’s because I’m an idiot who says a lot of bullshit.”

 

Juliana laughs with her this time, more unrestrained. They aren’t being loud but the sound still echoes in the room, filling that silence that was crushing both moments before; it’s something they could only achieve together, like they are fueling each other’s ability to let go of pain and feel at peace again.

 

“How am I supposed to know when you mean it or not?” Juliana asks, and Valentina’s smile grows.

 

“If it’s about being away from you, it’s bullshit. And I regretted it the moment you left.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Valentina nods, rubbing a lock of dark hair between her fingers before cupping Juliana’s face again.

 

“Besides, I’m not used to people respecting my boundaries.”

 

“Val, I’d never force you to—”

 

“I know,” Valentina cuts her off, looking at her with infinite tenderness in her eyes. “It’s one of the reasons why I love you.”

 

The words make Juliana grow rigid. It’s a confession uttered so casually, only more special to Juliana because of how _not_ special it sounds on Valentina’s lips, like loving Juliana is so natural to her that saying it costs her no effort. It’s something Juliana has always envied and admired, one of the reasons _she_ loves Valentina so much, this ability to make her feel like she deserves love until being loved becomes a natural part of her life.

 

She is too wrecked for this whispered confession, though. It clashes with everything else she is feeling, fear, pain, guilt, and she feels her throat constrict painfully, muting her and stopping her from replying with the same ease. In any other circumstance, she would lean in and kiss Valentina, let her know she is just as loved like that, but after everything that happened, she doesn’t think that’s something she can do. There is too much unresolved between them, too much she fears could taint even the most innocent form of intimacy, and the last thing she wants is for Valentina to feel she is using her to numb her pain. The last time she did something similar, everything good in her life fell apart.

 

Juliana’s silence stretches for too long after Valentina’s words, it breaks the moment and leaves no room for a spoken answer. It is too late for that, anything Juliana could say wouldn’t sound genuine anymore. Valentina takes in the frown on Juliana’s face, sees the anguish and conflict in Juliana’s eyes, and she sighs quietly. Instead of pulling away, she leans in and presses her forehead against Juliana’s temple.

 

“Talk to me, Juls,” she whispers, voice filled with concern. “What is it that’s stopping you from telling me what you feel?”

 

Juliana hesitates, chewing on her bottom lip until Valentina untucks it from her teeth with her thumb. It makes Juliana’s heart swell; she will never get used to the way Valentina cares for her so completely, even through gestures as small as this, like she cannot stand to have Juliana experience any more damage, even when so insignificant and self-inflicted. It is such a selfless way of loving her that Juliana feels compelled to give something back. 

 

She closes her eyes and sucks in a breath.

 

“Fear,” she finally answers, barely any sound to her words.

 

“Fear?”

 

“Of hurting you.”

 

Valentina doesn’t say anything for a moment. She doesn’t draw away and Juliana is sure she can feel the tension in her jaw under her palm.

 

“Is this about your nightmares?” Valentina asks eventually, trying to process Juliana’s cryptic words.

 

“Yes. No, I…” Juliana sighs, frustrated with herself. “Val, it’s complicated. I’m not good at talking about what I feel.”

 

“I know that, but you can tell me anything, Juls. It’s me.”

 

“That’s exactly the point.”

 

That takes Valentina by surprise. She blinks slowly and her hand falls into her lap.

 

“What do you mean?” she asks.

 

“Val…”

 

“Juliana please, just tell me.”

 

When Juliana still doesn’t say anything, a wave of dread washes over Valentina. Her voice is wavering when she finds the strength to ask “You don’t trust me?”

 

Juliana’s eyes snap up when she hears the question. She forcefully shakes her head and locks gaze with Valentina, making sure she can see the truth in her eyes.

 

“I trust you with everything, Val. I trust you more than anyone else.”

 

Valentina search Juliana’s dark eyes for a moment, finds nothing but honesty in them.

 

“Okay,” she says, nodding slowly. “Then what is it?”

 

Juliana passes a hand over her face, feeling anger rise within her again. Anger at her father for messing her up since the day she was born, at her mother for triggering a chain of torment with her rejection, at herself for not being able to pull herself together like she has grown used to doing after a life marked by constant misery. When she meets Valentina’s soft, pleading eyes again, this struggle she hasn’t been able to overcome takes a logical shape in her mind. After having something so beautiful and pure in her life, the fear of tainting and ruining it forever is paralyzing.

 

“Too much has happened at once, Val,” Juliana starts, trying to somehow put her feelings into words and not leave Valentina with yet another silent answer. “I’m used to dealing with things on my own, but this time I’m— I’m stuck.”

 

Valentina takes in her words, waiting for Juliana to explain herself better, but when silence fills the space between them and she only feels Juliana tense more and more, she decides to try to push.

 

“Are you talking about the kidnapping?”

 

A shudder runs through Juliana’s body at the mention of her ordeal. Instinctively, she wraps her hands around her arms, covering the bruises that still make her wince. She drops them just as fast when that simple pressure triggers the memory of rough touches and vile threats. Her latest dream comes back to her all of a sudden, vivid and clear: Alacrán’s hands pinning her down and doing what he had threatened to do, causing a wave of panic impossible to suppress with her mind forcing her to feel an enhanced version of the terror she had truly experienced.

 

“I thought I could put it behind me but…” 

 

Juliana glances up and meets Valentina’s eyes. She notices the concern in them, the curiosity, and for a moment, she thinks about telling her everything, every single thing that’s gnawing at her insides, even those she doesn’t know how to put into words. But then her eyes drift to the red mark on Valentina’s face, the mark she inflicted, and when she looks back into Valentina’s eyes, she sees something different. The trace of dried tears; a hint of fear; the memory of all the pain _she_ caused. Whatever she might say now, it would only hurt Valentina, and she has no strength left to watch those blue eyes she loves fill with pain again. Because of her, _again_.

 

Juliana shakes her head and laughs quietly, mirthlessly, a sound tainted by all her frustration.

 

“This is so stupid.”

 

“Juls…”

 

“Nothing happened to me, I’m—”

 

“Don’t say you’re fine when you were sobbing in my arms hours ago, Juliana!”

 

Valentina’s sudden outburst shocks Juliana and shuts her up all at once.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m—” Valentina covers her mouth with her hand when she realizes just how loud she shouted. She squeezes her eyes shut and reaches for Juliana’s hand, rubbing her thumb over Juliana’s skin. Her touch remains soft, but Juliana is surprised to notice just how tight Valentina is holding her, like she is scared that Juliana will slip away and disappear. She is even more surprised to notice the light trembling in Valentina’s hand.

 

“I’m sorry,” Valentina says again when she opens her eyes. Juliana’s chest tightens painfully when she sees just how shiny they are. “I didn’t mean to yell, Juls. I’m just… I’m so scared.”

 

“Scared?”

 

Valentina nods, tightening her hold on Juliana’s hand.

 

“Yes. I’m so scared that you’re going to keep dismissing your pain when you are with me. And I know I made things worse with the way I treated you, but please—”

 

Valentina’s voice cracks on a sob, and Juliana’s worst fear becomes reality before her eyes. Despite all her attempts at shutting down, at trying to put herself together to keep her pain from touching and affecting the other girl, she still finds herself staring at a Valentina on the verge of tears.

 

Instinctively, Juliana leans in and takes Valentina’s face between her hands.

 

“Val don’t, please…” She presses her forehead against Valentina’s and lets out a shaky sigh, choking back tears when she feels the older girl shudder. Her thumb finds its place behind Valentina’s ear and she gently caresses the skin there, like she had done so many times before while trying to soothe her.

 

“You didn’t do anything, Val.”

 

“Exactly.” There is bitterness in Valentina’s voice, entirely directed at herself. “Even now, you’re comforting me, which is just—”

 

She pulls back instead of finishing the sentence. She rubs the tears out of her eyes and looks away, willing herself to stop crying. Juliana wants to pull her back in, she wants to hold her again and lie convincingly enough that Valentina will calm down. They are past that, though, Juliana realizes when Valentina looks back at her pleadingly. There is only silence or truth, both threatening to make Juliana fall apart irreversibly.

 

A tremor runs through Juliana when Valentina brings her hand up and moves a strand of Juliana’s hair out of her face,lingering there for a moment to caress the shell of her ear.

 

“I know you don’t want to talk about what happened,” Valentina starts. Her voice is calmer, more collected, Juliana notices. She remains quiet, though, her silence a confirmation in itself of Valentina’s words. 

 

This time, Valentina doesn’t wait for an answer from Juliana. 

 

“So, I’m going to talk.” Juliana frowns, suddenly confused by Valentina’s words. “Because I know you and I know how you try to rationalize everything, how you should be okay because ‘nothing’ happened to you.”

 

Juliana doesn’t miss the way Valentina’s gaze drifts to the bruises on her arms for a moment, and the sudden tightening of her jaw. Valentina doesn’t say anything about it, though, and moves her eyes back to Juliana’s face.

 

“It doesn’t work like that, though. And I know because—” she hesitates for a moment, taking a deep breath to brace herself. “I know, because ‘nothing’ happened to me when the narcos held me hostage, and I still had nightmares for days afterwards.”

 

Juliana freezes and her eyes go wide when she hears Valentina’s words. Out of all the things she thought the other girl could bring up, her ordeal with Armenta’s cartel hadn’t even crossed her mind. She remembers it all: Valentina’s screams over the phone when she had called her, the bullets flying past her head, the pure horror and the way her heart had stopped when the body bag had been brought out of the house.

 

“Valentina—”

 

“No, just let me, okay?”

 

Juliana bites the inside of her cheek and nods slowly, choosing to go along with whatever Valentina has planned without asking questions. She can’t help the lump that forms in her throat though when she notices the way Valentina has to swallow heavily to find the courage to talk about that experience.

 

“I didn’t tell you much about it, nothing really.”

 

Juliana shakes her head, listening intently.

 

“Just that they held you at gunpoint. And that Jacobo saved your life.”

 

Valentina nods and sighs again, forcing herself to hold Juliana’s stare.

 

“They used me to get inside the house, you know? Fabricio and the others opened the door just because they had me. One of them—” She flinches at the memory. Juliana doesn’t need her to spell out what happened to understand what the narcos did to that guard.

 

“They held us for hours. Armenta wasn’t interested in me, that became clear right away. Only in Lucía. What he wanted to do to her…”

 

Valentina frowns, her features twisting in a mix of anger and pain.

 

“Did he hurt her?” Juliana can’t help but ask, knowing how close Valentina is to her step-mother. She is relieved when Valentina shakes her head.

 

“He didn’t have the time. The police and Jacobo got there before he could do anything.” Valentina pauses for a moment, her gaze drifting into nothing and darkening in a way that makes Juliana shiver. “But his threats were enough to terrorize me for days. I still… sometimes if I think about it, I’m still scared.”

 

Juliana feels her blood run cold in her veins. She knew Valentina had been traumatized by the hostage situation, but hearing the details makes everything infinitely worse. She searches Valentina’s eyes, feeling her heart crack when she sees that fear Valentina was talking about behind a veil of tears.

 

“Did he threaten to kill you?” Juliana asks in a whisper, perfectly knowing that this isn’t what Valentina is talking about but not having the strength to ask a more direct question. The way Valentina closes her eyes and lets out a wet, shuddered breath is enough to make Juliana’s eyes sting before the older girl can even answer. And when she does, Juliana’s vision blurs with all the tears she tries to hold back.

 

“He threatened to rape me. It was me or Lucía.”

 

A tear falls down from behind Valentina’s closed lids. She opens her eyes right after, blinking rapidly to pull herself together and not cry harder, but that single tear, mixed with her confession, is enough to send a violent wave of nausea through Juliana’s body, only matched by the blind rage she feels towards who did this to Valentina, someone she wishes she could pull out of his grave just to kill him again. A noose closes around her throat, physically painful with how hard she is trying to keep herself from crying.

 

“I don’t think he ever planned on carrying out his threat,” Valentina continues as her body sags in on itself, like just talking about this is draining her of all her energies. “He was too interested in Lucía to pay attention to me. But his men… one of them seemed so eager to touch me. I don’t know, if the police hadn’t arrived, maybe Armenta would’ve let him—”

 

“Valentina…”

 

Juliana can’t stop herself and she reaches out to take Valentina’s hand in hers. She feels even closer to tears when Valentina squeezes at it with both hands, like that touch is the one thing keeping her safe from the horrifying memories. Juliana knows the feeling, she knows it far too well.

 

“In my dreams, they have all the time they need to hurt me and Lucía,” Valentina says, looking at Juliana. Her lips curl in a smile so small and sad it sends a pang straight to Juliana’s heart.

 

“See? You don’t need to have something happen to you to not be fine.”

 

Juliana clenches her teeth to the point of pain, features scrunching up almost beyond recognition in a pointless attempt at forcing back the tears. So many things she wants to say cross her mind. She wants to ask Valentina why she never told her, but she knows why: it’s the same reason why she can’t bring herself to open up to the older girl. She looks into her blue eyes, shiny with tears, and now more than ever Juliana wants to kiss her and tell her she loves her. She wants to kiss Valentina until they both forget anything bad ever touched them.

 

The only thing she is able to do is utter a single word.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Juliana exhales a shaky breath and squeezes Valentina’s hand again. “I’m so sorry, Val. I wish I’d been with you.”

 

“No, don’t say that.” Valentina shakes her head, her voice suddenly firm and certain. “I thought nothing could scare me as much as those men that day. And then they took you. The thought of you in danger…” Valentina trails off into silence and Juliana finds herself involuntarily tensing at the mention of her kidnapping. With everything Valentina had just revealed, she had almost forgotten _why_ Valentina had revealed all that to begin with. She had found no comfort in the shift in focus. Trading her pain for Valentina’s could never bring her relief.

 

“I didn’t tell you to make you sad, or sorry, Juls,” Valentina continues. “I just want you to understand that it’s okay if you’re not okay. I had everyone’s support. Lucía, Guille, Camilo. Eva even. And the nightmares remained. You—”

 

“I’m alone, I know.”

 

Juliana interrupts Valentina, looking down into her lap and letting her hand grow loose in Valentina’s hold. It’s an instinctive reaction, crawling back behind the wall that has always kept her safe. She isn’t given more than one second to do that, though, because soon enough she feels Valentina rub the back of her fingers over her cheek, softly enough that Juliana feels some of the tension in her jaw release through that touch alone, and she cannot help but timidly look back up.

 

“I was going to say you are much stronger than me,” Valentina says, looking at Juliana just as softly as she is touching her. And before Juliana can reply or counter back, Valentina’s hand shifts just enough to cup Juliana’s face, making sure Juliana holds her gaze and sees the truth in her eyes.

 

“And you’re not alone. You have me. Always.” 

 

Juliana holds Valentina’s gaze, watching how it shifts between her eyes and her lips, beyond the older girl’s control. Juliana wants nothing more than tell her she can do more than just stare, she wants to feel they really are together with Valentina’s lips on her own. It’s been so long since the last time they kissed, so much has happened to both, and the last kiss she shared is one she wants to forget, rough and messy and just _wrong_. Then even rougher hands took hold of her body and left a bruising mark on her, not just physically, and she finds herself wondering how long it would take for Valentina’s tender touch to heal her. Just a moment, she suspects.

 

The way Valentina slightly pulls back when she catches herself staring at Juliana’s lips reminds Juliana that there is still so much unresolved between them before she can even let herself wish for that type of comfort.

 

“Juls?”

 

Juliana knows what Valentina is asking. Her fear is still all there, sharp and suffocating. But after the way Valentina opened up to her, trying to pull her out of her shell by laying herself bare for her, she feels like silence would hurt Valentina more than any ugly truth she could reveal to her. She knows what kind of pain imagination can cause, the damage it can lead to. The last thing she wants is to inflict that too on Valentina. They have suffered enough to last a lifetime.

 

“What if…” Juliana starts, looking down for a moment and trying to build the courage she needs to finish the question without letting fear make her shut down again. “What ifI can’t look you in the eyes and tell you because… because of everything that happened before the kidnapping?”

 

She forces herself to glance up after growing silent, searching Valentina’s eyes not only for an answer, but for whatever emotion her question triggered. She doesn’t have to say it out loud for Valentina to understand what she is referring to; that’s the whole point of it, this unspoken between them and how it keeps affecting them even when they try to ignore it. Ignoring it is one of the main thing blocking Juliana: a silent ghost tainting her one source of comfort and feeding on her innate instinct to shut down and endure whatever ugliness life threw at her. She doesn’t think she has the right to explain why she did what she did with Sergio, not after the way she hurt Valentina, but she cannot run away from it if Valentina really wants her to open up, if _she_ wants to open up and move past what happened. Hers is a question but it’s also a silent plea, one she hopes Valentina will recognize if not in her words, at least in her eyes.

 

And she does.

 

Silently, Valentina shifts on the bed and gets up, walking around until she stands in front of Juliana. Then, she extends her hand.

 

“Come with me, I have an idea.”

 

Juliana doesn’t ask. She looks at Valentina’s hand and then she takes it and gets up from the bed, trusting Valentina completely. She lets Valentina lead her out of the room and into the main bathroom of the house. When Valentina locks the door and then proceeds to open the water to fill the large bathtub, Juliana isn’t really surprised. She should have known what Valentina was planning to do, her ideas always seem to involve water. Water and intimacy. 

 

A tiny smile appears on her face when Valentina moves close to her and loosely wraps her arms around her waist, just to keep her close enough to nuzzle at Juliana’s cheek. Juliana falls into the touch, closing her eyes and shifting her face to rub her nose against Valentina. She nods when she feels Valentina’s fingers at the hem of her shirt, barely brushing against the skin underneath. Her ears heat up despite her best wishes, unable to think about another situation where Valentina had undressed her.There is no nervous excitement in this moment, though, only a desperate need to bare herself and feel whole again. Juliana lifts her arms and Valentina carefully pulls her top off of her. Then, she takes a step back and does the same with her own shirt, quickly moving to peel off her pants and underwear too, careless of her nudity. Juliana follows suit, looking away and stripping slowly, focusing on her movements to keep herself from thinking too hard about the last time they were naked together.

 

When she turns around, she finds Valentina staring at her body. It’s a jarring sight that Juliana was not expecting: Valentina’s eyes move over her body, but they lack the softness or even the hunger Juliana remembers seeing in them the last time she had stripped for her. Instead, her gaze is piercing, her jaw locked, all her features look tense to the point of discomfort, and it’s only after a moment that Juliana realizes Valentina is staring at the bruises on her body.

 

Juliana feels an uncomfortable flush spread to her cheeks; she has no way to hide her marks from view but still, she instinctively brings her arms up and crosses them over her chest, looking away as she grows more and more self-conscious with each second. Valentina doesn’t let the feeling spread, though. The moment she realizes what kind of effect her gaze is having on the younger girl, she blinks quickly and moves her eyes back to Juliana’s face. She steps close and rests her hands on Juliana’s arms, right over her bruises. She trails her palms down with a tenderness that makes Juliana shiver, until she reaches the curve of her elbows. She doesn’t have to ask for Juliana to know what she wants: letting out a shaky breath, Juliana uncrosses her arms and lets them drop to her sides, looking up at Valentina with the movement. The sharpness is gone from her blue eyes, and when her hands move even lower down Juliana’s arms to intertwine her fingers with Juliana’s, Juliana feels that discomfort melt away, and she rests her forehead against the other girl’s.

 

“Get in,” Valentina whispers after a moment. Juliana nods against her face and detaches herself, not missing the way Valentina rubs her thumb over her hand before letting go. She can’t help the tiny smile that appears on her face when Valentina gestures her to wait and puts a hand in the water to check the temperature, caring far beyond anything Juliana is used to. 

 

She takes the hand Valentina offers to brace herself and gets in the tub, trying not to grimace when her body protests against the movement. She knows she has failed when she glances to her side and sees the veil of sadness in Valentina’s eyes. It’s barely a moment, though. Valentina blinks and smiles gently at Juliana, encouraging her to lower herself in. Juliana sinks down, closing her eyes as the hot water covers her stiff limbs. It stings over the scrapes on her knees and back, but she doesn’t care, pain drowned by the growing relief of warmth seeping through her muscles and bones.

 

“Move forward.” 

 

Juliana obeys without opening her eyes, scooting forward until she is sitting in the middle of the tub. Her heartbeat ticks up when she hears Valentina step in and slide inside the tub behind her. She can’t help but swallow heavily when long legs enclose her and she feels Valentina’s hand on her shoulder, pulling gently and encouraging her to lie back. She carefully eases her weight against Valentina’s body, drawing in a breath when she feels the soft swell of Valentina’s breasts against her back and Valentina’s arms encircling her. Juliana tenses for a moment, hyper-aware of every touch they are sharing, of every place their bodies are pressed together. Her nerves can nothing, though, against the soothing warmth of the water, the gentle stroke of Valentina’s fingers on her ribs and the steady rise and fall of Valentina’s chest behind her, and soon enough, Juliana’s body grows slack and relaxation washes over her.

 

Juliana doesn’t know for how long they stay like that, and she doesn’t care. She lets herself be held by Valentina, basking eagerly in the comfort their proximity provides. At some point her arms fall naturally over Valentina’s and she sets a gentle back and forth with her knuckles over Valentina’s skin, giving back some of that tenderness that Valentina is offering so freely. The lulling rhythm makes Juliana rest her head against Valentina’s jaw, and she finds herself feeling a surprising need to cry when Valentina presses her lips against her temple.

 

“I wish we could stay here forever.”

 

The words fall out of her mouth in a whisper. She opens her eyes with the realization that she has said it out loud, but she doesn’t grow rigid or tries to pull away.

 

“Me too,” Valentina whispers back against her skin. Juliana feels Valentina squeeze at her hand, to ground and encourage her, she realizes when Valentina speaks again.

 

“I won’t disappear, Juls. We can have more than just this moment. If we’re together.”

 

Juliana keeps quiet for a moment, letting Valentina’s words swim in her mind. She knows what the other girl is saying: after everything they’ve been through, nothing is coming between them other than themselves.

 

“I want to stop hurting you,” Juliana finally whispers, squeezing her eyes shut with the confession. “And I want to stop hurting. I’m so tired of hurting, Val. Just… I can’t anymore.”

 

It’s only when she utters the words that she realizes just how much she had needed to say them like this, clear and direct; just how much this unspoken wish had weighed on her, consuming her from the inside. The sudden sting of tears with the release of tension is just another proof of it, and they only burn harder when Valentina tightens her arms around her waist and presses another kiss to her temple.

 

“Then tell me everything, Juls. Everything you think you can’t tell me. Let it all go.”

 

For several seconds, Juliana doesn’t say anything, only meditating on whether this is something she can do, let everything out without restraining herself anymore, bring to the surface every source of fear and pain. She’ll never be safer anywhere than she is in Valentina’s arms, though, she has no doubt about that. All she can do is trust Valentina and hope she loves her enough to stay even if she falls apart.

 

So she inhales a deep breath and starts talking.

 

“When I saw you with Lucho, I felt more alone than I ever did in my entire life.”

 

She isn’t surprised to feel Valentina grow rigid behind her for a moment. It’s just a moment, Valentina wills her body to relax right away, but Juliana still notices. Her own body tenses when the name of Valentina’s ex-boyfriend falls from her lips, well aware of which memories that will trigger. She promised to be honest, though, and she doesn’t know where to start if not there. Valentina seems to understand this, or maybe she is just patient enough, because she doesn’t say anything and waits for Juliana to continue.

 

“I know I didn’t give you time to explain, but I was too hurt. I wasn’t okay, things with my mother weren’t okay and it all just…” 

 

She grits her teeth, remembering just how lost she had felt that day. She forces herself to exhale and keeps her eyes on the white wall in front of her. Juliana knows it was Valentina’s plan all along when she led them to the bathtub, a way to make opening up easier for her while also staying close to her. She will never stop being amazed by how caring Valentina can be with her and she is beyond grateful for it, now more than ever.

 

“Sergio showed up after my mom told me I didn’t know what a normal relationship was and he talked into my head, about you and Lucho. He had mezcal and I just wanted to not think.”

 

A thought crosses Juliana’s mind when she feels Valentina’s sharp inhale at the mention of her friend and what they did together. That maybe this isn’t something only she needs; that maybe, Valentina needs things to be easier too to get through this.

 

“What did he tell you?”

 

Valentina’s voice is quiet, calm, but Juliana can hear the anger simmering low. It’s in the light tremble at the end of her question, in the barely increased press of her fingers over Juliana’s hip. Juliana thinks about Sergio’s words, she remembers them clearly despite all the alcohol in her body. They sound much more cunning now that her mind is clear, just thinking about them makes her skin itch. Still, Valentina’s question hangs unanswered between them. Juliana doesn’t feel the need to tell the other girl the way her childhood friend spoke about her, the words he used to describe her, but she doesn’t want to lie either. It would ruin everything they are trying to achieve together.

 

“He was drunk. He couldn’t believe I don’t like men. And after what my mother said—”

 

“You wanted to prove him wrong?”

 

Juliana flinches with the bitterness of Valentina’s tone. She bites at her cheek, and instinctively tries to lower her arm from where it’s resting over Valentina’s, but the second she tries to pull away, Valentina grabs her arm and squeezes it. The gesture is clear enough, but she still murmurs an apology against Juliana’s ear, more felt than heard.

 

“I couldn’t care less about what he thought,” Juliana continues after that moment of tension. “I was upset, and I was confused. And he was just… there.”

 

Her throat bobs visibly when she swallows around the lump that’s choking her. Feelings and sensations she has been trying to forget since that day creep back up to her, the same nausea that had hit her once Sergio had finished and she had rolled over and away from him, too upset to even look at him.

 

“I felt sick afterwards. And during. I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

 

She has to stop for a moment, hearing her own voice crack on the confession. She rubs away at a single tear that’s escaped from the corner of her eye, and when she lets her arm sink under the water again, she is surprised to feel Valentina’s hand reach for hers. Juliana looks down at their hands clasped together, and for the first time since she started talking, she feels the need to turn around and look at Valentina, to search her face to figure out what she is feeling. Before she can try though, Valentina’s voice reaches her.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me this? Why didn’t you say all this instead of saying it just happened?”

 

It’s tiny, and sad. Juliana can only shrug and shake her head. The answer is surprisingly simple for once.

 

“Because I felt I had no right to explain. Not after everything that happened. I didn’t know how to tell you after Lucho—”

 

She stops there. There is no need to elaborate, and no desire to. Lucho is drastically tied to their issues and yet with what happened to him, talking about him feels almost impossible. She knows Valentina blames herself for his death. A part of her wonders if the older girl blames her too. After Valentina’s rejection, she had been convinced of it. Now, she can’t help but hope it’s only her mind playing twisted games with her. Valentina’s reassuring caress over her hand is one tiny step towards solace.

 

“He is the one who told me,” Valentina says. “It’s why I thought you and Sergio were dating. I think he wanted…”

 

Valentina grows quiet. Juliana isn’t sure how much of that observation is meant for her, she has the feeling Valentina is thinking out loud more than she is directly talking to her.She doesn’t mind, she understands what Valentina is talking about anyway; Lucho has tried to tear them apart ever since Juliana stepped into Valentina’s life. The tight clenching of Valentina’s jaw against Juliana’s head reveals even more about what Valentina is thinking. That’s the point of all this. In the quietness and intimacy of the moment, every thought can come to the surface, even the ones that would shatter them under normal circumstances; even the one they’re ashamed of, like being angry at someone who died for trying to ruin what they have.

 

For once, it’s Juliana who pulls Valentina away from losing herself into those negative thoughts. She knows how good the other girl is, how her heart is always prone to seeing the good in everyone. She doesn’t want her to dwell on ugly feelings about someone who was part of her life for so long, someone who died in front of her. Addressing it quietly once is enough.

 

“I was going to tell you,” Juliana says, shifting the focus back on her and _her_ mistakes. “I didn’t want to keep it from you Val, I swear. But they took me right after it happened.” 

 

She swallows heavily, lips twitching like her body is physically fighting against her attempts to talk about that trauma. She pushes through, though, clinging to Valentina’s words to find the strength she needs. _“You have me.”_

 

“Everything I’d been worrying about became meaningless when I realized I could die there, without seeing you again.”

 

She feels the change immediately, the way Valentina grows rigid behind her and her hand stills abruptly. The silence that spreads between them is tense this time, so heavy that the quiet splashing of water against the tub when Valentina shifts lightly echoes in the room far loudly than it actually is. With the way they are pressed together, Juliana feels Valentina’s heartbeat quicken against her back, and she realizes what the older girl is going to ask before the words are out of her mouth.

 

“What did they do?”

 

It’s the same question she asked hours before, when just tackling the topic in the vaguest manner had left Juliana sobbing desperately. It’s what she has been trying not to think about ever since Chino and Jacobo got her out of there, everything she’s been trying to avoid by telling herself she is fine; over and over, believing it less and less the harder she tried. Even now, even in the safety of Valentina’s arms, her chest tighten with fear and a sudden sense of entrapment, of suffocation. Even the warm water, so pleasant and soothing until a moment ago, suddenly seems too hot against her skin.

 

“I’m here, Juls.”

 

Juliana squeezes her eyes shut and presses herself even closer to Valentina, sighing when the other girl leans down enough to press a soft kiss on her cheek. She inhales deeply, taking long, controlled breaths to keep herself there, and she forces herself to remember where she is, with whom: the water is not going to burn her, Valentina is never going to hurt her, she is in the safest, most loving hands she could ask for. She clings to those certainties, and starts talking.

 

“Alacrán was the most violent. The others were just rough, he’s the only one who actually hit me.”

 

Juliana shivers, her body aching with the ghost of his blows or the way he slammed her against the wall.

 

“I told you what he wanted.”

 

“Your father.”

 

Juliana nods.

 

“Maybe if I had known where he was, things would’ve been easier. I could’ve…” She frowns, trying to put into words that hopeless despair that had eaten at her the whole time she’d been in captivity. “I could’ve chosen to be brave. Or to be scared and give in. But I didn’t know, so I couldn’t choose. It was all out of my hands.”

 

Only after saying it out loud Juliana realizes just how effective that lack of control had been in making her feel so lost and desperate, a deprivation of even her most basic self-defense mechanism, something she had always tried to cling to in a life marked by instability.

 

“So when I didn’t tell them, they…”

 

Juliana tries to keep going but her voice suddenly cracks. The unexpected quiver of her lip makes her stall; she feels small, vulnerable in a way that has nothing to do with her nudity, a consequence of finally opening the door to all the horrors she had been trying to suppress. She tries to remember and hold on to that sense of safety she had felt the night before, falling asleep in Valentina’s arms, but the press of Valentina’s palm over her skin seems ready to make her unravel with its gentleness.

 

Tears fill her eyes, and this time, Juliana doesn’t rub them away. She blinks and lets them fall down her cheeks, hot even against her flushed skin.

 

“They?” Valentina whispers when long moments go by in silence. When the only answer she gets is a quiet sniffle, she instinctively hugs Juliana tighter, trying to comfort and encourage her at the same time.

 

“Juls—”

 

“They poured gasoline on me.”

 

Valentina freezes behind her. Juliana hears a small gasp before the older girl grows dead silent. She is so still Juliana is aware of her presence only because of her arms around her. She knows the confession horrified her, she is horrified herself after saying it out loud, but she can’t stop. 

 

Her breathing grows labored, more tears run down her face, falling past her chin and mixing with the water in the tub. A small whimper leaves her throat when she tries to sigh. The memories of those moments crawl up her body, sharp and terrifying, but for once, Juliana doesn’t fight them.

 

“They poured gasoline on me and threatened to set me on fire if I didn’t tell them—”

 

Her features twist as she remembers the heat of the torch close to her face. She doesn’t even realize she has started squeezing Valentina’s hand, holding on to her like a life-saver to keep from drowning in the pain those memories evoke.

 

“I didn’t know, I couldn’t stop it. And then Alacrán… he said I could pay my father’s debt in another way.”

 

Valentina lets out a choked noise at her confession but Juliana barely registers it. The echo of another voice resonates in her ears, sending violent shudders down her spine despite the stiffness in her body. Her eyes burn with all the tears that keep falling, but she forces them open, too terrified to lose her hold on reality. Even like this, she can feel Alacrán all over her, a sickening shadow looming over her ever since their first meeting.

 

Valentina’s voice reaches her above every other plaguing thought. It’s small, terrified, and Juliana finds herself wondering if this is how she sounded while Valentina was telling her the details of her own experience with Armenta.

 

“He wanted…”

 

Juliana knows what Valentina is asking right away.

 

“He made me choose between sleeping with him or burning to death. I chose the fire.”

 

She adds the last detail after a moment, not really to explain what happened, but more to keep Valentina from tormenting herself with the doubt that, despite what Juliana told her the night before, she might have had to endure this form of torture too.

 

This isn’t a space where logic prevails, though: they are both raw, both driven purely by feelings, and despite Juliana’s words of reassurance, Valentina can’t help but ask again, needing a straightforward answer to a question that’s tearing her from the inside.

 

“Did he…?”

 

Juliana shakes her head, trembling violently and exhaling through clenched teeth, trying to keep herself from sobbing.

 

“No. But before he told me that Chino was coming for me, he took me to his bedroom. And in that moment I thought that was it. That he would…”

 

She squeezes her eyes shut and loses the battle against herself. She lets her head drop down and a sob escapes from her throat, releasing some of that unbearable tension that had tightened her chest to the point of pain. She doesn’t try to suppress anything anymore, she lets all that anguish overwhelm her.

 

“Juliana…”

 

Juliana has never felt her age. Ever since she was a child, adversities and misery hadshaped her and forced her to harden herself. But the way Valentina whispers her name, with some much pain and love in her voice, makes her feel like someone who has every right to be as broken and traumatized as she feels; a kid who shouldn’t have been touched by all this horror. For once it’s surprisingly easy to let go and reveal what she felt.

 

“I was so scared.”

 

She lets herself feel all that fear, it goes through her in waves and is released with each tear that falls down and every sob that comes out of her mouth, leaving her defenseless, lighter. It’s only after a moment that she realizes that some of those wet, choked sounds aren’t coming from her, but from the girl behind her. Something wet trickles down the side of her face; she doesn’t have to turn around to know Valentina is crying.

 

“Is this…” Valentina tries after a moment, with a voice that Juliana barely recognizes. “Is there more?”

 

Juliana blinks slowly, taking her time to truly think about Valentina’s question. She is about to shake her head, but Valentina’s previous words cross her mind, her request to tell her everything she thinks she cannot say. If she has to fall to pieces, she wants it to be absolute, so her recovery–their–can be untainted by what came before. Out of everything Valentina asked her to reveal, this is the one that terrifies her the most.

 

“When I was there, a part of me couldn't help but think that maybe there was a reason for this. That maybe it was a punishment for what I—”

 

“No.”

 

Juliana is suddenly cut off by Valentina’s voice. That single word is louder and firmer than anything that’s been uttered since they walked in the bathroom and decided to lay each other bare. It’s just a word, but Valentina’s unwavering refusal to let her dwell in that feeling brings a fresh wave of tears to Juliana’s eyes, tears that only sting harder when Valentina’s hand move to her jaw.

 

“Look at me.”

 

Juliana shifts in Valentina’s arms, twisting her body enough to look up and meet Valentina’s gaze for the first time since they stepped in the water. Her brows knit together in pain when she sees Valentina’s eyes, red and shiny with all the tears she shed, and Juliana feels the instinctive need to apologize. She has no time, though, because Valentina grabs more fully at her face and shakes her head, stroking the line of Juliana’s cheek as her other arm instinctively tightens around the younger girl.

 

“No, Juls. You didn’t… God, you didn’t deserve any of this.” She closes her eyes and flinches at her own words, like just thinking about everything Juliana revealed physically pains her. It’s a sight Juliana can’t bear, Valentina’s name falls from her lips and she brings a hand behind Valentina’s neck, pulling their foreheads flush together. 

 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” 

 

“Val, it’s okay…”

 

But Valentina shakes her head and pulls back, opening her eyes and searching for Juliana’s gaze. She moves a hand to her neck and squeezes at it like Juliana has seen her do every time she is in pain. Instinctively, she reaches up and pulls Valentina’s hand away, rubbing at the knuckles with her thumb. It only makes Valentina cry harder.

 

“I’m so sorry,” she says between whimpers. “I’m sorry, my love. I’m so sorry, I’m—”

 

She chokes on a sob and pulls Juliana into a crushing hug. Her hands stroke and squeeze Juliana everywhere she can reach, making the water splash all around them with how restless she is being. Juliana is surprised only for a moment, then she falls into Valentina’s desperate touch, wrapping her arms around the older girl and curling into her. It’s no longer a matter of who is comforting the other: they both need solace, they both only find it in each other.

 

Sobs turn into silent tears and they hold each other until their breathing calms down and the water grows lukewarm. It only makes them cling harder to each other, finding warmth and comfort in the entanglement of their bodies. Juliana rests with her head in the crook of Valentina’s neck and a hand over her chest, letting the steady thumping of her heart lull her. After thinking she had lost the older girl forever, this is safety in its purest form.

 

“Val?” she whispers against her skin.

 

“Yeah?” Valentina’s voice is still raspy, still tinged with the tears she shed.

 

“Do you love me?”

 

Valentina’s hand, stroking back and forth at Juliana’s arm, stills with the question. She remains quiet for a moment. Then, she looks down, meeting Juliana’s gaze.

 

“Like I’ve never loved anyone in my life.”

 

There is no hesitation in her voice, no trace of doubt or fear. Valentina loves her like it’s the easiest thing in the world for her. It’s just as easy to love her back. Every obstacle they faced was external to them. After everything they’ve been through, the universe can give them some respite and let them love each other they were always meant to. Fully. Freely.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Valentina holds Juliana’s stare for a moment after her words. Then, her eyes drift down to her lips. Her heartbeat ticks up under Juliana’s palm, and the younger girl knows what she is going to do before she does it. Her eyes fall closed when Valentina leans in and presses her lips against hers. The kiss is soft, like everything about the moment. They both linger there without feeling the need for anything deeper, harder. This type of intimacy is the only thing they’re after, the only thing they want.

 

“Thank you for telling me,” she whispers against Juliana’s lips once they break the kiss. Juliana knows she isn’t talking about her love confession.

 

“I need you to keep doing that, even when you’re scared. Especially when you’re scared.” She presses another small kiss at the corner of Juliana’s mouth. “Because I want you completely.”

 

Juliana pulls slightly back, just enough to be able to look into Valentina’s eyes. After all her struggle with opening up under Valentina’s gaze, she finds herself seeking eye-contact with an unexpected intensity.

 

“Completely?”

 

Valentina nods.

 

“The good and the bad. I want to be here for you. I want to be in your life, and I want you to be in mine.”

 

Juliana’s breath quivers with Valentina’s words. She tries to find an adequate way to reply to Valentina, something that will fit the extent of her feelings, from her gratitude to her fear to her love. Everything seems insufficient. When nothing comes to her, she just leans in and nuzzles at Valentina’s cheek, nodding once as her lips brush against Valentina’s skin. Her heart swells when Valentina trails her fingers through her hair at the back of her neck and chuckles quietly.

 

“Is that a yes?”

 

When Juliana pulls back, her lips are curled into a small smile, one that only widens when she sees the relief and happiness in Valentina’s eyes at her answer. She nods again, looking at Valentina’s full lips and feeling a sudden pull towards them. She hesitates, mouth slightly agape with a question that feels too silly to ask out loud. Valentina reads her immediately, though, and she pulls her back in for another kiss, one that has them both sigh quietly and smile.

 

“You don’t have to ask, Juls.”

 

It’s something Juliana is still learning, letting herself be loved with ease, something that she knows is going to take her time. But Valentina is holding her after she laid herself bare, she is holding her only tighter because she did, and when Juliana buries her face into Valentina’s neck and her hand finds its place back over Valentina’s heart, she thinks that maybe, just maybe, she can make it. Maybe, with the right person, letting herself be loved isn’t hard at all.


End file.
